Where do we start. First off, I want to note that all guys are probably not the same. But, the majority of guys really need a reality check on what NOT to say or do to women, especially when you aren't trying to be an idiot and it comes off that way anyway. This is inspired by real events shared by single women and as you read it, you will probably be shocked (just as we were!). But don't worry guys, apparently it's not that hard to make our list.... *sigh*
1. NEVER mention weight. Ever -- Even skinny chicks will get self-conscious about their weight if they hear you say "Have you always been this way?" or "Is this your normal weight?" WHAT IS "THIS"?!... Now... at this point if we haven't choked on the bite of fried chicken and corn bread in our mouth, we will probably not be able to respond anyway, due to shock. What does that mean? Are you saying "this" is a bad weight (skinny or fat?), we are confused and will probably just change the subject, but note: an ELEPHANT will never forget. Don't ask about weight. Ever. Unless you're my doctor prescribing me diet pills, OK. Enough said.
2. Do not compare past girlfriends/wives/dates and the woman you're dating -- Example "Oh, that's totally different than Jennifer's reaction.", "Jennifer use to say the same thing." or "Jennifer had 150 pair of shoes and I hated it" Honestly guys, we don't give a flying feather about Jennifer, at all, period. I don't care how she cooks, what she wears, or if shes worse than me in bed... the last thing I wanna do while scarfing down my lasagna I just slaved in the kitchen to make, is to think about how Jennifer never cooked. That's great. Maybe you're trying to tell me I'm better, but what you're really telling me is that, while I'm getting hot and sweating over the stove, you're thinking about your ex. Thanks for the visual. Memory lane can stay barricaded while you're with me.
3. The number of times you've had sex should not exceed the times we have ate a meal together -- OK, at least at the beginning. This rule is kind of vague but the point is, don't think you can take me to Olive Garden for Soup Salad and Bread sticks once and then you get in my pants. Not happening. ALSO, TAKE US OUT!! We're trying to get to know you, not play house. We don't want you to invite yourself over for dinner, we might not want to cook that day. "How about I come over and you cook?" Why would you think that would be fun for me? Am I Paula Deen? I don't mind cooking for you, but let me get to know you first so I know its worth my time in the kitchen, the cost of the groceries, and the dishes afterwards. And if I DO decide to cook, that doesn't excuse you from ever taking me out again! Chances are we are looking for something that will lead to a relationship, not an adoption. Take me out. Period.
4. Do not invite other girls on our date-- Yep, this has happened... more than once actually. I understand that she is your friend, and I understand that we are at a sports bar, BUT... when you walk away and she starts drilling me about if we are dating, it gets weird. Especially when I find out that I met you the same way she met you, dating. It didn't work out so you became friends, but if in a year from now we end up being just friends and you invite me out and I end up in the middle of one of your dates, while you're tonguing the new girl down. I'm not going to be happy. I might show out, a little. Rude. Inconsiderate. Stupid.
5. Don't move in to my house without me knowing...-- Yes we want to see you, yes we want you to come over. But do we need a roommate? No. This happens in more ways than one. The Snail- You carry your home around in your vehicle but sloooowly seem to leave a slick trail of your stuff at my house every time you visit. Eventually, you'll be staying weeks at a time there, driving me up the wall. Again, I don't want to adopt you. The Insta-mover- You come home from deployment/off shore/or saving the world somewhere, and after a few emails back and forth while you were gone, understandably you want to come see me. You showed up with everything. I mean everything; luggage, toothbrush, clippers, clothing and an agenda apparently. You don't like my dog, you eat all my cookies, you're taking up my bathroom space and I'm not sure if you've even taken me out to dinner yet. This.... is.... an.... epic.... fail.... which brings me to my next point.
6. Can you pay for dinner?-- Maybe we are just old fashioned, but I get extremely embarrassed when my date doesn't pay for dinner. Granted, I don't mind paying for it if we are together, but as far as dating goes, not happening. You have to pay if you asked me to dinner. Plain and simple. IF YOU ask me out to dinner YOU PAY. Don't even come close to expecting me to pay. I might even offer to pay half, but I really don't want to. This was your idea. If you can't afford to take me out to dinner, don't ask. OK, so I sounded really mean just then. The point is. Don't pull the "I forgot my debit card" trick or "I don't have any cash til tomorrow" line. Not a good look. Let me get off this one before I offend someone.
7. Don't be consistently late-- We understand that things happen. People get stuck in traffic, work runs late, the game went into OT. We get it. But time after time after time being late, just means you flat out don't give a damn. If you tell me you'll meet me somewhere at 2:00PM and you don't show up until 3:30PM, not only am I sitting by myself somewhere for an hour and a half (although that's not happening, I'm leaving after 30 minutes), I'm wondering what the hell you've been doing while I was sitting here alone, probably drinking margaritas. And don't be shocked if another guy is sitting in your seat when you finally arrive. Just be on time.
8. Don't make semi-plans or maybe plans, JUST MAKE PLANS-- Making plans is making plans. Period. Don't say "Oh maybe we should go watch the game tomorrow" and let me say "Oh that sounds like fun, OK" and cancel the next day citing the word "maybe" in your text for plans yesterday. "I said MAYBE we should go watch the game" we didn't make definite plans.... Um... OK, so now I have to watch your vocab too. Nice. We're not in high school. It's immature and again, inconsiderate. You just got cut from the roster my friend.
9. The late night plan maker-- We had plans, but you canceled, so I made other plans...Girls Night Out!!! Don't send me a text three hours later that says, "Let me know when you get home and I'll swing by". Um, no you won't. You WILL NOT SWING BY, after I have paid for myself to eat and get liquored up. Nope, you lost out on that one. Good try though. We're not stupid. And what is "Swing By" anyway, that's a joke right? Psh.
10. Don't ask me for my number at a bar, before you ask me if you can buy me a drink-- Plain and simple again. If you're interested, and you see me at the bar about to buy a drink and you think you're brave enough to ask me for my number or to dance, why not be brave enough to buy me a $6 drink? I'm not asking you to pay the rent or the light bill. Just a simple drink. Take some initiative, its a turn on, it will improve your chances. But watching me (especially if I'm standing RIGHT next to you) buy my own drink and then grabbing my arm as I walk away to try to talk to me is.... a fail. It was only $6. Keep it movin.
11. Don't mention your bills that you can't afford-- THIS is probably my biggest pet peeve/turn off. Don't mention that your phone is going to get shut off tomorrow or that your car is about to get repoed, or that your rent is late. I'm not your sugar mama, I can't help you, and now I'm really turned off because you probably A. don't have a job. B. have a drug or gambling problem C. can't manage your money for shit and are irresponsible D. are trying to con someone into helping you pay your bills E. have so much child support coming out of your check you can't survive without assistance or F. all of the above. If any of the above applies, keep it movin. You're probably the guy who "doesn't have cash til tomorrow" or didn't buy me a drink at the bar. Yeah. Thought so.
12. Don't lie about your kids-- I think this is probably bad karma on top of everything else that's wrong with it. If I ask you if you have kids and you say No, I don't expect you to start talking about your daughter tomorrow at dinner. If I remind you that you told me you don't have kids and you respond "You asked if I have Kid(S), with a S, I don't have Kid(S), I have A kid."... again, you aren't winning with this one.... not sure what the point of this is anyway..
13. "I have kids but THEY DON'T LIVE WITH ME THOUGH"-- OK, so you don't have custody of your kids, does that mean we get to play house and act like they don't exist? Do we get to act like your "baby momma" isn't taking half your check too? OK, enough said....
14. Don't lie about your age. -- If you're 38, you're 38. Don't tell me you're 29. They have this cool little thing called Google, if I put your name in the search engine, chances are, something about you will come up that will include your age/birthday/ graduating class. Not to mention I will eventually see your ID at some point. I mean, what if I did a big party for your 30th birthday and you were turning 39? Then we both look like idiots. This never works to your benefit. If you think you're too old for me now, six months from now you'll still be too old for me. I'll never catch up to your age, and frankly, no one really gives a shit. Age is just a number but a liar is... dumb.
15. Dear Facebookers -- In the age of Facebook, you can't hide anything. If I tag you somewhere, out with me, its probably for a reason. If you delete yourself from my tag with all these claims of "I don't want people to know where I'm eating or what I'm doing" not only are you FULL OF SHIT!! Why do you even have Facebook? Don't block me from your wall for no reason and then tell me you only use it for family. Again, you're full of shit. Good job telling on yourself though, Mr. Smooth. No one is falling for this line. Moving on.
16. Remember what we talk about -- If we go out on Friday and we talk about how we both hate apples, how horrible they are and why we hate them. Don't come over on Monday and start talking about how you hate apples like its new news to me. Apparently you forgot that we already had this LONG ASS conversation about apples which means that you can't even keep track of who and what you're taking about, so why should I? Remember our conversations.
17. Don't test drive me -- If you're the kind of guy who is not looking to get into anything serious, let that be known at the beginning. Let us make the decision of going or staying. Don't text me about how great of a person I am, and how you can see yourself with me in the future, meet my family, spend every day with me and get 6 months into the "non-relationship" before saying "well, we're not in a relationship so......." So... Sooo... what? So its OK for you to just do whatever you want.. Guess that's the trump card huh... it doesn't' work that way and you might need a new paint job on your car after its over... :) JK, but don't push it.
18. Text responses -- LOL this one is sooooo worth writing.... If I send you a LONNNNG text message explaining something important, pouring my heart out or asking a question.... don't respond "K"... not only did I wait for 10 minutes for a response and assume you were writing me a book back... I got nervous, considered all the things you could be responding, plugged my phone up just to make sure I didn't miss the text, placed it by the window so I got good signal, and when the notification went off, I dove across the bed like a ninja, turned on the screen, clicked the messages icon and it says..... "K"... whats wrong with you? If you thought I was crazy before you're definitely going to think I'm crazy after that text. Ha. I got your, K. K?
19. Public appearance -- Everyone has that night where you drank too much. Know your limit. Besides the case of too much alcohol and busting your ass on the floor, guys should NEVER EVER EVER, I repeat, Ever, "Drop it like its hot" in the club. If I look over and you're "Getting Low" on the dance floor... Not only will I probably throw up on the spot, I'm definitely getting my phone out to snap photos and video for Facebook and YouTube. You also should never get in front of me with your back to me and try to dance with your ass on me. I'm the girl, you should be behind me, that's how it works. I don't wanna be behind you, ever, not dancing, not walking, not in the bedroom, not ever. Learn your place fellas, geez.
20. Don't ask for picture messages constantly-- I hate this, not only do I look the same in ALL of my photos, I don't walk around with 1000 pictures in my phone. I also don't take new pictures every day. I'm not getting out of bed to take a pic of myself for you at midnight, what are you doing? making a shrine? Masturbating? Ew. Stop asking. I have a 4 picture limit. Every time you want to see me after that you better come see me.
21. So what are you doing later/tomorrow? -- If you ask me what I'm doing later or tomorrow, I'm assuming you want to know because if I'm not busy, you'd like to hang out. Right? Well, if I say I don't have plans, that means I'm waiting for plans with you at this point, DON'T respond, "Oh well, I work and then my friends having a birthday party and then we are going out to the club and I'm crashing over there until I go back to work the next morning." Why did you ask me what I was doing if you're busy and clearly not inviting me to come with you? Now I'm annoyed. Basically what you did was tell me how awesome of a day you're about to have and how lame I am that I'm not doing anything. NOW I'm forced to do something super interesting to blow your night out of the water. ITS ON!
22. Meeting the fam-- It's not necessary to continually remind us that you don't take your girlfriends/friends/random people around your family. We get it. We haven't made the cut yet. BUT what shouldn't happen at this point is.... You have a tailgating party for the football game, everyone gets checked in on Facebook and it includes, YOUR FAMILY, your cougar boss, your roommates girlfriend, your barber, your third grade teacher, your family vet and the waitress from IHOP last night.... NOW, Whats wrong with this picture? Not only was I not invited, I was intentionally uninvited, you invited everyone and their cousins, and then you blast it on facebook? Yep, I'm really that sensitive. Don't ask to come over later either. Refer to #9.
23. Get togethers -- This is a shocker.... this is one of those things that.... even if a guy DID do it on purpose, you'd never expect him to ever admit it. DO NOT.... eh hem,,, I repeat.... DO NOT invite me to a party (see #22) on a day that you know I have to work, AND THEN, when I inquire as to why I wasn't invited to the next party, you respond with "Well, the only reason I invited you to the first one was because I knew you couldn't come."... Choke... Gag... Excuse me? Who raised you? Where is your mother? I need to have a talk with this woman (or either feel sorry for her).... clearly, at some point, you fell off the wagon... Got ran over by the horse behind it... fell off a cliff... bounced off a rock and landed directly on your head..... I can think of NO other way this stupidity is possible...
24. Leave the past... there-- If we hear another thing about your exs were going to kick the bucket.... BUT since we are SUCH good listeners (and we obviously take notes while you're talking), we are trying to deal with it but PLEASE stop calling her by her nickname... I don't wanna know that Nat is Natalie, Jessypoo is Jessica, ShayShay is Shana, BoopBoop is Betty.... We don't give a crap... You wanna call Natalie "Nat", then go right ahead, at her house... as far as I'm concerned that has nothing to do with me, Sugabooga Boo Boo Face... This also reminds me, Don't give me some little nickname like BooBoo and then let me find out that's just your nickname for the past 5 chicks that you screwed over.... I don't wanna be you next BooBoo, do I look like I carry around a pic-a-nic basket? Didn't think so!
25. Mixed Signals 101-- Don't show up at my door, kissing me like its been six months since you last saw me and telling me you missed me SOOOOOO much when TOMORROW you plan on having a pretend conversation about us breaking up... when we weren't together anyway, right? Or were we? Who the hell knows?! See, YOU decided to come over and dance with me in the kitchen, playing sweet songs while I was making dinner for us, telling me how great I am, calling me pet names, letting me meet your family... and then.. BAM!!! "Well, that would only matter if we were in a relationship." "This will be really difficult because you live 45 minutes away" Do guys even know what the hell a relationship is? Maybe I should hand out a survey or short answer test before consideration.... Did you realize I lived 45 minutes away when you MET ME??!! I didn't just move 45minutes away... that's the lamest line ever.. are the class of girls better if they only live 15 minutes away from you?
26. You're just good enough -- If you're on a date with someone, I think its probably OK to mutually talk about other "hell dates" that you've been on, especially if they are funny. Whats NOT OK to tell me, is "I met this other girl, she really had her stuff together, I mean, she was in school to be a therapist, about to get her PhD, really focused and serious. I just can't see myself dating her because I'm just getting my career started." ummm OK, So basically what you're saying is that, I'm datable because I'm not as accomplished as her. You have your shit together more than me so, I'll do until you get to her level. Seriously? Did you notice you insulted me or are you really that damn simple? Douche.
27. The need to know info -- If we are friends, text every day, talk about everything, really get along, make plans to do things together and say little sweet stuff every once and a while... Chances are I'm assuming you're single... the Need to Know INFORMATION is that you have a girlfriend, and she lives with you, that you've been dating for over a year,,... Oh, you guys are taking a break?? When?? While shes at work?? Let me ask her if its OK if you keep my number and send her all the texts you've sent me.... Oh, I never asked if you had a girlfriend? THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE WHEN YOU GAVE ME YOUR NUMBER I FRICKEN ASSUMED YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE!!! Whats this world coming to? Do we really have to break it down that much?
28. Plans -- I'm sure I've covered this in another number.... Do not ask me to go to lunch/dinner or an event with you, cancel on me, and NEVER reschedule... If its not that important to you to make up the plans you broke, then lose my fricken number. Do you think anyone is going to wait around to see when the next time you can pencil me in is? Not a chance. If you're canceling you should make attempts to reschedule right then. If you don't want to reschedule, then don't make the plans in the first place, or grow some balls and tell me right then. No one wants to deal with a puddin that just says what someone wants to hear. Man up.
29. Facebook Tells All -- Do not add girls to facebook that you are "talking to", interested in, or are friends with if your FIANCE is a psychopath, or jealous. If I met you, and you told me you were single, and at any point and time your FIANCE decides to write me. You better believe that I'm throwing you under an 18wheeler (the bus didn't have enough tires!). I'm telling all your business. So, be smart, if you have a girlfriend, or FIANCE, DON'T try to get involved with someone else. This is where guys screw up. You guys assume that we aren't petty enough to email someone on facebook. Think again. You're petty enough to talk to two girls, we're petty enough to get together and bust your ass. :) thx
30. It is What it is-- If you're besties with a girl, and you've dated her in the past... don't downplay the situation like you only hung out a few times and decided it wasn't going to work and now you only call her for advice. Even if the BOTH of you decided that it wasn't going to work, if you guys are still doing things together; events in the park, ball games, cook outs, meeting the fam.. etc etc.... there is going to be some sort of attachment there. You both obviously had a mutual attraction at some point. Now she's got the perks of the relationship without having to give it up. You might not think it, and it might not show right away. But as soon as you try to take your "new girl" out on those tickets to the game and not your "friend", or she sees you out with her... watch how jealousy shows up, unexpectedly. Hopefully this situation gets handled correctly.
